Hey lover, why the gun?

Love, Sex, dating, and yes...relationships!

Love and relationships are two things I have little to no experience with which probably means I'm the last person that should be giving my two cents about it...but I find sometimes the most ignorant people (that being me on this topic) have some of the most interesting things to say. WAIT WAIT… I’d also like to say I have no experience with sex either…well I know about it but I’m not a slut….Mom if you’re reading this I’m still waiting until marriage...

“Love is usually the result of self-delusion or substance abuse.”

Sure the statement above doesn’t apply to everyone but for my blogs sake let me rant. I think a large number of people fall in love with the idea of who someone is rather than who that person actually is…often people enter into a relationship living in the delusion of where they want it to lead rather than where it actually is going…I think a lot of people when you meet them try way too hard pretending to be the person they want you to think they are; everyone is guilty of this at least once….I’ve done it, you’ve done it…we’ve all done it….We all over sell our good qualities and perhaps exaggerate a tad on how great we actually are…ex: “ I would never cheat” or “I always call when I say I will”...yadda yadda you know the dribble I’m talking about.

I’ve made a conscious decision to now advertise my less than good qualities. I am now upfront with people that I have intimacy issues…or that I’m slightly odd or crazy (just a tad really)…I warn people I’m bad at calling sometimes and that I’m often cruel for the sake of comedy. I really feel like this is working for me…it gets people to open up with me and tell me about what less than stellar qualities they possess….I feel like this is a better way of really getting to know someone and to get a sense if you’re compatible. I have noticed I’ve even received some compliments from doing this…like “you’re not that neurotic” or “I’ve seen smaller” (I’m referring to my nipples not my penis thank you very much)…I am an avid believer that if your flaws compliment each other the more compatible you’ll be.

Ex 1: If one of your flaws is being bad with money…you should look for a stingy Jew (I’m aware that just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean you’re cheap…I happen to love Jews!)

Ex 2: If you’re only obsessed with money…you should be with someone only interested in sex…you can arrange a trade of some kind.

Ex 3: If you’re bad at calling people…you should be with someone who doesn’t have a phone….yes not having a phone is a flaw, its ghetto.

The world is full of attractive competition so I’ve opted to stop dressing up for first dates or first impressions…why waste the extra hour of washing and dressing nice….I think it’s a form of trickery to dress nice if you’re not planning on keeping up the appearance and that goes for shaving your peen or poon area…don’t be false advertising unless y’all be willing to maintain that. I suggest all carpet gardens be well kept; its not that I don’t like hair but because I like the underage porn look.

**I attend all first dates in sweat pants with a wife beater finished with cowboy boots…I highly recommend the sweat pants, they’re great for comfort, they don’t give off an “I’m better than you” vibe and if you’re a whore (meaning gay or Mexican) they provide easy access for any vehicular rendezvous… back alley romps….or hallway hand diddles.**

Love is something I don’t want…sure I want affection and companionship but I don’t want all the crap that seems to follow the words “I love you”…they’re often thrown around in fights as a way out of taking responsibility…its often said too early and scares people away and it always fades….I might sound cold but I would rather an “I respect you” over “I love you” any day!

I know anyone reading this is thinking I’m either pessimistic or jaded by having my heart broken….which would be true BUT there’s also a dry comical truth to it. I’ve found a delightful quote that I’ll end my FIRST blog with.

“Sure, love screws everything up. Most stalkers think they’re in love. Mothers who kill their kids talk about how much they love them. Men who beat up their wives, it’s only because they’re so in love. People slowly suffocate each other with love all the time. Love is a weapon we use to hurt the ones we love”. –ditto

P.S. I am well aware not all Mexicans are whores...whores come in various sizes, ages and elasticities…if you don’t believe me just look at your mom….but as for the gays, well they’re definitely all whores ;)

If you excuse me I’m going to go watch some Days of Our Lives...I’ll save more advice for future blogs…