Where's the food you bastards!!!?

I've decided at 3:30 am that I should write something...don't worry I'm not inviting you to some shitty Dance Party (I'll leave that for the Skate For Cancer people) and I'm not sharing anything emotional...God knows that would never happen...I have have the emotional range of Melissa Joan Hart..that's Sabrina The Teenage Witch..just so y'all know who I mean...

Anyways...this note is a response to all those people that have ever sent me a message offering/telling me to eat a Sandwitch, cake or pizza. I have received in total over the past year 23 messages suggesting I should eat something...some go as far as offering to make me food...I think the most common food I've been offered is a sandwitch or as I like to call them "sammich"

WHERE"S MY FUCKING FOOD?

I have always been thin...I don't have to work overly hard to maintain all of my 125 pounds...I'm tall and very narrow..I lack shoulders an ass and pretty much anything else that would ever give me sex appeal....but the point is, its all natural, I have a fast metabolism and I like to walk a lot...I joke a lot about being anorexic or throwing up because I find eating disorders to be the most self centered rediculous "mental disease" bullshit I've ever heard...it has to be made fun of...what kind of mental illness only effects models actors and vein women/gay men?

I'm getting off topic...this note is about the people that offer me food....I like food...I happen to like sammiches, pizza (only cheeseless because cheese is the anti christ of milk products) and I fucking love cake!!! I'd fuck Cake if it had a little cake pussy (sorry for that mental image)...I love it that much, so I take it seriously when people offer it to me...lol

mmmm...cake...

So take this note as a warning to all you food offering cotton headed ninny muggins....make good with the grub or I'm going to do someting evil....like chase you with sissors or set your drapes on fire....or better yet I'll..um...poke your eye out with one of my many exposed ribs...I've got pointy corners everywhere people so I'm not messing around!!!

FEED ME NOW!

I Have Options?

I was deleting messages in my facebook inbox today and came across some rather disturbing messages...I was going to delete them but I thought it would be more entertaining for everyone to know just what kind of lovely suitors I have in the waiting...

I got the idea to write this after watching Nicole Arbours videos where she reads some of the creepy messages she has received over the years...I never knew my facebook would attract so many interesting characters (yes my profile is now private)....Enjoy..and try not to be jealous...

My first message I don't think was intended to be creepy...I don't think English is his first language

1.) "hi i am armin of iran tehran pershian/ i love you very can you my frind? tell me 00989329249789 id yahoo yoyololo6 old me 28 tall 180 74 /kiss kiss iam gay /give me your tell?"

I'm so glad he told me he was gay...I mean I would have never guessed.

This next message came as a response to fact my profile used to say "I enjoy hearing about fucked up childhoods"....it was soon removed.

2.) "how f@#$%& up their childhoods were...well my brother shot me when i was 2 years old almost killed me ..that creepy enuff LOL"

um...yep that's creepy...but then I started thinking Mr. Fifty Cent has been shot like a whole bunch of times...so if you're trying to impress me you better let your brother shoot you a few more times...I later noticed the guy was from Detroit so being shot is no big deal.

Now this next message is a favourite of mine for many reasons...

3.) "hey big guy can u send me pic in jeans or army cargos or soccer shorts? can ent now or thurs am or sat eve, love to kiss 69 wrestle get pinned ass smacked glowing red hot then once tensed-up you pounding it repeatedly for hours til your exhausted me moaning away licking honey maple syrup or chocolate pudding off your balls and equipment u inside me my legs over your shoulders kissing and the sound of your balls slapping against my ass u licking my sensitive ears

can swap more pics at libertytriumphs@hotmail.com or can call me alek 416 251 1919 5'5' 130 6.5 cut and u? firm ass in jock here, smaller michael j fox kinda build "

I think this guy is a charmer...I'm not sure why he is calling me big..does that mean I'm fat...he must be some sort of fashion designer to want to see me in so many different styles of pants...I don't think I understand what he wants though...what does he want pounded exactly and how in the heck could I play basket ball and eat pudding with him at the same time...that's just asking for a cramp. I also have to admire someone that compares himself to Michael J Fox...so that must mean he's short out of work and shaky...all the things I look for....ha ha

This last message is the most recent...I received it today and I think it speaks for its self...

4.) "hi dear,can i servant to you.what is your opinion about my face? i am slave 24.i like to be slave for you and you piss or shit on my face and sit on my face and i eat your cum.realy and chat.i have webcam, my yahoo id is:nmk2211 add me, plz answer me"

Well this guy had me at Hi dear...until he said I could only "piss or shit" on his face...I'm the kinda guy that really prefers to do both...I don't think I'd be very compatible with someone who would make me choose...I could always use a slave though...ever since that Mexican escaped from the basement I've had to do all the house cleaning myself.

I really feel fortunate to have so many options in life...I'll never be alone with dream boats like these guys....but sadly I'm just not ready to find "The One" just yet....oh if any of y'all want me to hook you up with these gentleman just let me know!!

Hey lover, why the gun?

Love, Sex, dating, and yes...relationships!

Love and relationships are two things I have little to no experience with which probably means I'm the last person that should be giving my two cents about it...but I find sometimes the most ignorant people (that being me on this topic) have some of the most interesting things to say. WAIT WAIT… I’d also like to say I have no experience with sex either…well I know about it but I’m not a slut….Mom if you’re reading this I’m still waiting until marriage...

“Love is usually the result of self-delusion or substance abuse.”

Sure the statement above doesn’t apply to everyone but for my blogs sake let me rant. I think a large number of people fall in love with the idea of who someone is rather than who that person actually is…often people enter into a relationship living in the delusion of where they want it to lead rather than where it actually is going…I think a lot of people when you meet them try way too hard pretending to be the person they want you to think they are; everyone is guilty of this at least once….I’ve done it, you’ve done it…we’ve all done it….We all over sell our good qualities and perhaps exaggerate a tad on how great we actually are…ex: “ I would never cheat” or “I always call when I say I will”...yadda yadda you know the dribble I’m talking about.

I’ve made a conscious decision to now advertise my less than good qualities. I am now upfront with people that I have intimacy issues…or that I’m slightly odd or crazy (just a tad really)…I warn people I’m bad at calling sometimes and that I’m often cruel for the sake of comedy. I really feel like this is working for me…it gets people to open up with me and tell me about what less than stellar qualities they possess….I feel like this is a better way of really getting to know someone and to get a sense if you’re compatible. I have noticed I’ve even received some compliments from doing this…like “you’re not that neurotic” or “I’ve seen smaller” (I’m referring to my nipples not my penis thank you very much)…I am an avid believer that if your flaws compliment each other the more compatible you’ll be.

Ex 1: If one of your flaws is being bad with money…you should look for a stingy Jew (I’m aware that just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean you’re cheap…I happen to love Jews!)

Ex 2: If you’re only obsessed with money…you should be with someone only interested in sex…you can arrange a trade of some kind.

Ex 3: If you’re bad at calling people…you should be with someone who doesn’t have a phone….yes not having a phone is a flaw, its ghetto.

The world is full of attractive competition so I’ve opted to stop dressing up for first dates or first impressions…why waste the extra hour of washing and dressing nice….I think it’s a form of trickery to dress nice if you’re not planning on keeping up the appearance and that goes for shaving your peen or poon area…don’t be false advertising unless y’all be willing to maintain that. I suggest all carpet gardens be well kept; its not that I don’t like hair but because I like the underage porn look.

**I attend all first dates in sweat pants with a wife beater finished with cowboy boots…I highly recommend the sweat pants, they’re great for comfort, they don’t give off an “I’m better than you” vibe and if you’re a whore (meaning gay or Mexican) they provide easy access for any vehicular rendezvous… back alley romps….or hallway hand diddles.**

Love is something I don’t want…sure I want affection and companionship but I don’t want all the crap that seems to follow the words “I love you”…they’re often thrown around in fights as a way out of taking responsibility…its often said too early and scares people away and it always fades….I might sound cold but I would rather an “I respect you” over “I love you” any day!

I know anyone reading this is thinking I’m either pessimistic or jaded by having my heart broken….which would be true BUT there’s also a dry comical truth to it. I’ve found a delightful quote that I’ll end my FIRST blog with.

“Sure, love screws everything up. Most stalkers think they’re in love. Mothers who kill their kids talk about how much they love them. Men who beat up their wives, it’s only because they’re so in love. People slowly suffocate each other with love all the time. Love is a weapon we use to hurt the ones we love”. –ditto

P.S. I am well aware not all Mexicans are whores...whores come in various sizes, ages and elasticities…if you don’t believe me just look at your mom….but as for the gays, well they’re definitely all whores ;)

If you excuse me I’m going to go watch some Days of Our Lives...I’ll save more advice for future blogs…